Just when my heart was starting to open up, you disappeared on me again… What’s your deal? Why do you do so much, sweep me off my feet then disappear in an instant?
I guess I know why…
So yeah, go your way… but please don’t come looking back…
*************************
That moment where you pretend like nothing happened…. #relate
“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
*****
To mark the beginning of a New Season in my life, i’ve listed my goals, wishes, hopes and dreams, to wit:
1. Current work contract renewal;
2. One more Retainer with the same fee as that of ECOF/GFII;
3. Trade-in my Manual Honda City to Automatic;
4. Finalize the two Annulment cases;
5. Finish fully furnished house at Ipil by September 2013;
6. Purchase threadmill and stationary bicycle;
7. Purchase Oven (larger than the one I have);
8. Law Office at Echague;
9. Push Through with the booked South Korea Trip with sis and friends;
10. Singapore or Bohol trip with parents this December;
11. Europe trip 2014 with sis;
12. At least five new paying clients per month;
13. De Officio and/or Pro Bono cases;
14. FOREX account;
15. Boracay trip with parents and sis this August;
16. Try/learn Yoga;
17. Establish Palay Buying and agricultural supply business by September;
18. Attend church (Christian or Methodist)
19. Learn to bake;
20. New ECOF Project;
21. Christmas treat for the less privileged;
22. Housemaid for lola;
23. Meet new people;
24. Get out more often;
25. Gain new friends;
26. Exercise Exercise Exercise;
27. More prayer time;
28. Settle my parents’ personal case;
29. More opportunities to do God’s work;
30. Gain more influence/power;
I would like to think that tomorrow is the beginning of another chapter of my life. I hope tomorrow’s a Good day… rather, I EXPECT!
I was the type to overthink, you know. I was a worrier. I was always restless… but I’d like to believe that was the past. Yes, I am no longer who I used to be. Instead, I’ve learned to be calm during the storm. I’ve learned to talk less and listen more. I’ve learned to be silent when angry (Though I tend to lash out on my family a lot when I am pressured with work). I learned to be still and wait. I was a pleader you know, especially in praying; I used to believe that to have my prayers answered, I have to plead, I have to unceasingly pray and ask Him until I get what I want… again, I believe that isn’t me anymore. I’ve learned to ask once with all my heart then have faith that God heard me and will answer my cry.
You see, right now, I should be worrying to protect what I have. I should be fighting for my spot. Instead, I am at peace. I am silent. I am assured that God already answered my prayer… because I hold on to his word. I listened to Him. I asked what He wanted me to do instead of telling Him what I want to do. It wasn’t easy to wait in stillness when there’s chaos around me… but I thank the Lord for his peace and joy.
Lord: I may not be the frontliner I used to be, but I would like to believe that you’ve destined me to be one of the big players… and it has only started… it will start… tomorrow…
So, its been a year since my last post. I stopped writing for no reason and dissed this account. But tonight, in my room with the lights off at past midnight I find myself writing this entry.
Where should I begin? There’s so much I want to write. A lot have happened since then. I would say, I’ve matured. I learned things both the easy and hard way. I am still single and available but not looking. My bestfriend Patty and her Ilocano boyfriend finally tied the knot two weeks ago. My closest guy friend stopped talking to me after she got himself a girlfriend; he is now engaged with her and we are still not talking. I haven’t had a real deep conversation with my other bestfriend for months now, which is very unlikely since we used to talk every week albeit the distance. My first love hooked up with my close college buddy. We got a new addition to the family- my pretty niece named Aeden Ysabel a.k.a. Ibbie. I am still practicing private law while employed at the same company. I got a salary raise both in my regular employment and my retainer. I am no longer lovesick. I am no longer fed up with work. I have new dreams and visions. Basically, I’ve been living a good life. God has been blessing me and my family abundantly.
But, the fact that I am writing in this blog after a long period of silence could only mean one thing… that is, something is bugging me. Something is not right.
I remember the word I received from the Lord last New Year. He said, this year will be my best year ever; that this year will be his answer to all the prayers I have uttered during my college days; that I would see him work mightily in my life; that this year will be the year of reaping; that I’ve been through a lot of heartache and frustration so I could be ready for this year to accept the things he has in store for me… So, I started this year with high expectations.
However, the way things are going right now, I can say 2012 is still my best year. This year hasn’t surpassed the year that is 2012. I hoped for an abundant, peaceful, joyful and glorious year 2013, instead, it started with personal suits/cases, threatened career and a lot more disturbing and worrisome events. I am not saying that God failed me, I am just saying, these are things I didn’t expect to happen this year.
I should be asking God why right now. I should be pleading for Him to fulfill his word. But no matter how burdensome the state I am right now, I have peace. I am assured that this is for the best; that this will be the best and most glorious year for me because He said so…
P.S.
Suddenly felt the urge to pray, so this would be it for now.. ciao
With this ring, I promise you all of the things I fear promising. Because in you, my safe harbor, my heart fears nothing. I promise you this heart, this body, this spirit. I promise you these things in all of their various states and I take yours in all of their various states. I promise in our wildest wealth or our most lean days of suffering that you will find me, by your side. I promise that your door will always be mine to guard. I promise to strive to give you my best, but to trust you with my worst. I promise I will treat your dreams as my dreams, your wants as my wants, your worries as my worries, your heart as my heart.
Til our days are no longer I am yours.
Where you go, I will go and where you stay, I will stay.
-byflutter.com
When I am not lovesick or broken-hearted, I find it hard to compose EMO notes/entries. Therefore, I’m just gonna write about practical things for now… such as… organizing my things, cleaning my files, re-scheduling so on and so forth…
For this coming weekend, I will stay at home to:
1. Clean my PC (sat am, since I will attend a friend’s event for lunch)
2. Organize my office/client files (Sunday am)
3. Paint my room furniture (sunday pm.. hopefully!)
But wait! where is the time for movie marathon?! weeehhh, I am hoping I’ll be able to finish my work by friday afternoon, so I’ll have the whole friday night for the much awaited koreanovela “love rain” series marathon! cross fingers…
Me and my sis talked last night about ways to make us feel happy… She’s got this 101 tips to find happiness in her cellphone, so we’ve decided to list the things and ways that would make us happy and promised to do one thing a day or as soon as possible… She insisted that I should clean my room for a start but I fervently opposed! haha my sister has always been criticizing my unorganized room so everytime she goes home she would always clean it… Anyway, I made this list…
————-
1. Clean your room… and your files! (haha, will do this saturday)
2. Do something you’ve never done before but have always wanted to try. (This one I haven’t figured out yet)
3. Spend time with a good friend (would love to go out with Riza this weekend)
4. Sing for hours (my sister is an expert on this… she can sing for straight 4 hours in a day)
5. Read a book you love (I am looking for an ebook of “the vow” and “the lucky ones”… hopefully i’ll find a copy today)
6. Dare yourself to do something (hhhmmmm.. will think about this)
7. Watch movies and series for the whole day (hopefully I can do this on sunday)
8. Give someone an unexpected gift (would do this when I meet up with Riza, A gift to wish her well on her bar exam review)
9. Go out for a jog (weeehhh I miss jogging.. I am planning to buy a treadmill soon, but well I’d love to jog outside once in a while)
11. Get up for sunrise (haven’t done this in a while.. I get up as early as 2 am but oftentimes I just stay in my room to work until 7am)
12. Write stuff down, Keep a diary (I have my own journal since college but I get lazy updating it… I’ll try to update this tumblr account everyday)
13. Spend a day alone in a hotel out of town (uhuh!)
14. Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t spoken too for a while (been wanting to call my bestfriend in Cambodia!)
15. Devote a day to Family (Me and my family will go on a road trip to Ilocos this May! yey! excited!)
16. Wear your favorite outfit (my red pencil cut skirt and a hot red mini dress)
17. Go for a bike ride! (I should go out of town for this, maybe I can find one in Ilocos)
18. Have a picnic (we have this picnic place in Balintocatoc… will invite mom and dad next weekend)
19. Ban all media all day! (weeehhhh next weekend? haha)
20. Organize your schedule (i need this! my schedule and working habit got messed up last month! I should get back on track)
21. Look for sensuous activities and enjoy them (hmmm I wonder)
22. Look for funny things and have a laugh (youtube can be useful)
23. Go on a journey, long or short (travels will do, I have thailand, vietnam nd cambodia coming up.. will go to batanes, bohol and marinduque too!)
24. Learn how to belly dance! (haha will search for video tutorials soon)
25. Give Php1000 to a person in need
26. Give a tip and an inspiring note to service men or waiters whenever you eat out (i’ll bring post-its everytime then!)
27. Go walking barefoot in the rain (I love dancing in the rain too!)
28. Climb a tree (I miss this one the most!)
29. Walk barefoot in the grass or sand! (missing the beach)
30. PRAY!
Dahil birthday mo sa May 16… Cge cge, dinner and movie date tayo sa may 19 or 26 pagluwas ko manila! my treat! haha… pakasal na kasi kayo ni danah para sabay sa bday!
At dahil sa stalker kita at binabasa mo ang blog entries ko… … Eto pacute na picture for you!! haha
When you can no longer hear your heart beating fast… when the guy who greets you “good morning”everyday ceased to do the same… when your “kilig” has subsided… when your back to your normal boring life… you start to think and ask, was that for real?
… then you realize, it was just an oasis in your desert… it was just a pause from your broken heart… you start to remember the other person who caused your heart break- the ex who’s been out of your life for years and is now happily married… you start to wonder, are you really over the ex? You start to feel the pain again… you start to wanna isolate yourself… you start to question when will you be able to let go… you anticipate days of loneliness and tears…
… makes you wanna regret believing you can now have another chance for love… makes you wanna hate yourself for thinking you can forget the ex that easy… you are, after all, someone who loves deep and true…
… saklap lang!
I wondered whether he wants girls who are challenging or those who are easy… I wondered whether I should be liberated or conservative with him… I wondered if I should try telling him what I feel… I pondered on ways to keep his interest on me… If only he likes me too… if only he wants to be with me…
But nahhhh…. I figured, I would never chase a guy who doesn’t even like me… I would never change my ways for some guy who doesn’t wanna get serious with me… I would never beg for someone to like me… I am happy with myself, and never in my wildest dream have I desired to be content being with someone who doesn’t even see me… I want to be with a guy who respects, treasures and loves me… and I would never settle for less…
I’ve had my crazy moments… I’ve experienced loving someone who keeps neglecting my worth… I was contented being with that guy even if it was slowly killing me.. I refused to give up because I believed that my love for him was enough…
That was me then… The version of me now is wayyyyyy better… and I am proud of myself for learning… though bruised and broken, i learned to stand up once again with my own two feet… for years that I’ve spent being broken and scarred, I’ve learned to love myself… so, I would never let my happiness and satisfaction be ruined by someone who isn’t even asking for a chance to be with me or get to know me… haha
Of course, I’d love to be in a relationship… I am no longer broken and I feel that I am ready to allow my heart to flutter once again… but I am not desperate… i am not gonna easily give my heart to someone who doesn’t see its worth… I am ready to wait, no matter how long it’ll take… I know that God has someone waiting for me out there, someone worthy of my love… So until he comes, I refuse to waste my time with temporary relationships… I want something that is true.. something that is pure… and for those, I am willing to wait…
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
—
But You’re here
You’re real
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)
—
I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan
And I will run to You
You’re my refuge in Your arms
My Bestfriend Amalia’s message of encouragement:
“take it easy… someone will come who will treat u the way u deserve… who will value you like a fragile princess, who will take care of u, who will always look at u like u’re the only woman in the world… the one who will proudly say to the world that u r the ONE. He’ll come… he’s no dream… he’s no idea… he’s real… hawak ni Lord… He’s leading him to u… just wait a little more… be patient kapatid ;D”
Weeehhh! I just loving having great supportive friends… Lab Lab you amitots!
Finally, I was able to purchase a starex van for dad!! thank you Lord!!!
It is a second hand van but it is good enough… We don’t have it yet but I already made the down payment and the car will be delivered to us by the end of the month…
Dad was very excited! I told him to look for a van worth 300k but he ended up choosing the starex worth 350k! haha… I was supposed to say no because my budget was for 300k only!!…but well, he is my dad and I wanted to make him happy… and I just knew God will provide…
.. and guess what? last week somebody asked me to sign a deed of sale with notarial fee of worth 50k… I got the money last friday, so my issue with the 50k balance for the starex has been resolved that fast! Amazing amazing God!
…prayed to God so hard last night… Haven’t prayed like that for quite a long time. I missed Him and I was crying all the time… I wanted to pour out my heart to Him. I wanted to talk and tell Him everything, instead, I just sat there, in my room, crying. I felt his presence… His silence reassured me that He has always been there quietly and silently watching over me… I wanted to ask Him why… why do I have to go through this process again… but I couldn’t. The silence was enough for me. I just knew that He was aware of every word I was about to utter… I knew He knows better, so I just sat there, trusting the Lord, though it hurts…
I was happy… and without knowing anything, I believed that the happiness will last forever… I was wrong…
Surprise me Lord!!! Pulezzzz!! lab lab!
Happy thoughts, c’mon fill my mind!!! let’s kill this emo kid!! haha
(warning: this is FICTION)
One of the signs that I am in love with the person is when I can smell him despite his absence… and right now, I can smell your perfume even if you are not around. You are the third guy who has this effect on me… I am not saying that I am already in love with you… perhaps, I like you very much… perhaps, I was smitten by you… not sure yet… but I am pretty sure that I enjoy having you around… sadly, just as i am getting ready to open myself up, you are already slowly and quietly leaving my life… sigh :(
… I am okay with that though… I think I can manage… I was just crazy to think that maybe you are also attracted to me. I am not really the “assuming” type but with you, I really thought there was something between us, a romantic connection of a sort. I guess, I was wrong…
Perhaps, my heart’s been stagnant for so long that when I saw you and discovered that I was attracted to you, my heart and mind went gaga fantasizing and hoping that maybe, just maybe, you are The One…
I thought it was finally a chance for me to give love another try but, I guess, God thinks otherwise…
So yeah, I will just let you be… I will not bug you to save myself from another heartache… Besides, I believe that “when a man wants a woman, he will do everything to be with her”… the mere fact that you are no longer communicating with me just proves that I don’t affect you that much… So, I should just stay in my own little world, happily single with no guy in mind, until someone comes to find me.
I hope it’s soon though!! haha… It’s just that I’ve been brokenhearted and sad for too long that I believe it’s about time for me to be happy… Lord, I think I am ready! hehe
It’s my prayer that the next person I will fall in love with will pursue me the way I imagined it to be (or close). I wanna feel how it is to be treasured by the person I love. So if you are not a bit attracted to me, might as well forget and let it go… and trust that the Lord will give me someone worth waiting for…
Aja Aja! Just saying.. =) We are cool though! ;p
My sister is still inlove with her Ex… but she just recently discovered that the Ex is now courting her close friend… wahhh! same thing happened to me few years back… I hope she doesn’t feel the same pain I’ve been through… tama na yong ako nlng Lord… wag mo ng iparanas sa kapatid ko… love love you Lord!
sucks when you are super attracted (perhaps, inlove) to someone who is already committed (not necessarily married)!!… been there once, and now! D**N, here I go again! arggghhhhh…
